Thoughts from a mommy

But first... a few recent pics....

She's 6 weeks old already! How we love her!

The brood these days... :)
My little man yesterday AFTER he destroyed the house ...aaaarrrgggghhh!! and yet....he still just makes me smile!

still on the couch.....lots.....

Mckenna being such the good big sister that she is...she wants to hold her every second of the day! She's even changed a diaper or two...without ever being asked!

My loves!

Just a collection of some of my thoughts recently:

~ I think its absolutely hilarious and a little depressing that I have 24 followers on this thing and I hardly ever receive any feedback. I always go back to the reasoning that I do this really for myself and to record our families memories, history and for my own therapeutic, creative reasons....AND ITS TRUE...but still. It would be nice to get some feedback on here. Seriously!

~ Gianna's just about 6 weeks old now. I've always thought that 6 weeks was some kind of magic number after having babies. Things just start meshing, the routine becomes more normal and everything just seems to start melding. I am definitely feeling that way now!

~I am loving my time with her. I am relishing every moment - even how often this baby nurses which at 6 weeks is still very often - every 2 hours still except for when she's asleep. She is one who loves to be held. So I am either holding her or feeding her ALOT of my day. I have not been getting out much and I am realizing this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Not even much housework. Focusing on this new little life. I definitely have my moments when I yearn for "me" time. I have gotten some but not alot. In due time it will come. I am feeling thankful that God is blessing me with His divine wisdom and helping me to really focus on whats the most important right now-which was my heartfelt desire. I have not yet begun exercising as much as I have been "raring to go". I will start back up at the gym in December and start out slow. But honestly I am seeing clearly that it's OK to go slow. It's OK to hold on to this baby weight and be overweight for now. It hurts my pride but in the long run I see it clearly. The extra time it took to lose it will not have mattered. It could take a year or even longer. Who cares? I will never have these tender, precious moments with my newborn again. I am in a wonderful place of clarity and it feels even better than being thin! Gianna was SO worth every extra pound. I love my little baby bird so much! (We are calling her that these days because of her crazy hair and little chirps and murmurs). Ah..so adorable!

~ I am once again reminded of what it's like having two children under two. My first two were 17 months apart. Its been a long time...uh, yeah! Reminded! LOTS OF WORK. But I truly love the challenge. Justice is in complete two year old mode. Terrorizing the house when I nurse (I try to totally childproof before I begin and get out his favorite toys) but he finds ways...his energy exasperates me! But I love the age he is at. His vocabulary is so stinking adorable. I love seeing him put new words together. He is so smart. He's been using the word "actually"! "Ak -shoo-a-wee I wanna watch da udder bid-eo - mommeee!! (actually, I want to watch the other video mommy!"). Oh, it's fun. I am trying to soak up every moment!

~ I've been reading so much good literature on parenting lately (tricky but I actually do this while I nurse). It has reignited my passion for mothering. I just got done reading a devotional book written by "seasoned" mothers. The lasting thought was seriously how fast these years go by with our little ones. Today we buckle them in their car seats, tomorrow they'll be driving their own car and taking a sweet young girl out on a first date. Today we change their diaper, tomorrow we watch with misty eyes as they change their first baby's diaper. Today we watch them learn how to walk, their chubby hands looking for ours as they brace for a fall, tomorrow the walk will be down the aisle in a church wedding as they unite as one in marriage with their bride or groom- and leave OUR homes forever. This is so very clear to me right now. I don't want to have any regrets with my kids. So, I've been paying more attention to slowing down. Taking the time with each one. Looking more deeply into their eyes when we are together. Praying more specifically for each one (I just joined a MOMS In Touch group where we do this - just pray for our kids! It has been so awesome and truly is changing my heart towards my children!). On a quick note, prayer does this! It softens our hearts towards them, gives us a greater capacity for patience and grace and I am convinced deepens even our already fierce love for them. I am finding this to be so true right now and am so thankful for it. I am so excited about it because I have being seeing direct fruit come from it in my children's lives! It's just SO awesome! I love being a mother! But I REALLY love being a mother when I sense I am truly walking in the call the way I believe it is supposed to be walked out. There are always times when I feel I am not, I'm in a rut with this issue or that one, or I'm not plugged in with this child or maybe that one, not spending enough one on one time with somebody, yada, yada, yada....gosh, there is so much potential for guilt when you're a mama! So to feel like I'm really getting it right now just feels wonderful! I could go on and on about this subject.....

~ Still excited about the Hood To Coast situation! Sam's already booking us a hotel for that weekend because it is so packed at that time and hard to find places to stay because of it being HTC weekend! He is so excited for me and I am loving it! It's fun being excited for your spouse and their endeavors. It definitely brings some fresh youthful energy and that's just good!

~ Had my 6 week postpartum check up - thumbs up - except for my high blood pressure. Did I ever tell you? I bypassed it during delivery but a week later I could tell it was high, got it checked and sure enough...IT WAS. Back on blood pressure meds. Been through this before with Justice (same deal - after delivery!) so really, no skin off my back. It goes down after a couple months. THANKFUL for MEDS! Really. Truly. Cause to have a stroke or heart attack would SO not be cool. I'm 10 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight. Not too bad (so why does is still feel like a long way away?)! Oh, and birth control started! :) Really can't believe how fast time has gone by!

~ Sorry to be so long winded. I did tell you I haven't been getting out much! Drop me a line if you get the chance! Really! :)

HOOD TO COAST 2010 !!!!!!!!

I am SO excited about this I had to share on here real fast!

I'm running HTC 2010 this coming August!

I found a team, or should I say they found me? And they asked me to be on it as their last runner (they had one spot open)!
It's going to be a "mommy" running team!
Hello....right up my alley!!!
I'm stoked! Unless you have an established team already, it is very difficult to be able to participate in this relay unless you have "connections" and can be added later on - usually at the last minute (I have done this a few times and each time I was SO thankful - so it is do-able but difficult).
Between us, I prayed about this. It was just one of those things I gave to Him and trusted Him with.
I have watched Him over and over again come through for me, providing me with wishes/desires of my heart, answering my prayers in very direct ways. This is one of those times I believe He knew my passion and came through...again.
Im excited because I know it's going to help me get in the mindset once again - for fitness and pushing myself.
Plus, this relay is SO fun and I know this team is going to be a BLAST to run with. Awesome people!
Now..to just get started....I haven't yet...patience...
It's gonna take me awhile to get there, but I will!
I WILL!

Can't wait to be a running mama again!

Patience for the Season

Gianna 4 weeks old here - her and her lil' friend Amelia at Gianna's baby shower

A pic I took of her yesterday..I love her so much!

She loves laying on daddy's bare chest - one of the only way's we can get her to sleep sometimes!

All dressed up for her big night - her "Welcoming Baby Gianna" baby shower! (and mama's tired here...yawn...)

The kids right before we left for the Shower ~at my wonderful friend Angie's house.

It was a really fun night welcoming Gianna to many who hadn't yet met her! So fun we only got, like 2 pictures of the whole thing! :(

....anyway where was I?

Oh yeah, PATIENCE...this is a tough one for me.

I finally was in the mindset yesterday to START EXERCISING! I know it's a little early - depending on who you talk to. Some women start the first week after birth! That's always been too early for me! So, I'm not hardcore like that. But, four weeks. I figure that's not so early. So, I put on my exercise clothes first thing when I got up. My husband was off so he was gonna help make it work for me, too. (He goes out of his way to make my fitness goals happen for me-always has - which I consider a huge blessing.) It had been officially announced. Every one knew it was on the agenda. I knew it would be a stretch to find the time in my day to plan for my 30 -45 minute time slot in the garage with my treadmill. I KNEW IT WOULD BE. And I'll just say this to make a LONG story short.

I tried.

I really did. But the stars did NOT align and it did not happen.

*Sigh*

I'll try again soon (maybe). What did end up happening though was what I needed probably more at this point (I know y'all are gonna agree with me on this one).

A glorious three hour nap.

I don't get these much. (I love it when my husband is off!)

I woke up feeling like a brand new woman, seriously.

So the thought remained in my mind. Sleep is what I need right now more than anything.

This is hard for me. Just the whole concept of being PATIENT.

Leave it to giving birth and having a newborn in the house (along with 3 other children) to show you emphatically just HOW impatient you really are. I speak for myself.

And maybe it is more so this time because I seriously feel buried with all the responsiblity I now have (all be it wonderful).

"Me " time no longer feels realistic.

I know that in time I'll get the routine down alot more than I am now and I will find that time again...

but right now it feels so far away.

I am a person that needs this desperately.

I need time. And attention. Mainly to hear myself think (I know I've written about this before) which allows for my creative juices to flow (no matter how minute they are currently).

I consider exercise a part of this.

Also GIRL TIME. Oh, I've been missing that as well.

And while I'm on the subject, Sam and I have not had a REAL date for at least 6 weeks now.

He's so helpful with the kids and housework and well, doing the WORK of everything.

But I miss having fun and romance with him.

And I know he misses me.

You know its bad when you hear a Nickel back song with the words in it "So Far Away"....and you about burst into tears...yeah, you know you're feeling TOO far away!

(I am exclusively breastfeeding and have not yet introduced a bottle to Gianna ...I plan on it but that also means adding the extra time consuming chore of pumping which I am not opposed to but not entirely thrilled about adding MORE to my already crowded day - with the first couple kids it was ALOT easier-still probably gonna do it, though and soon!)

So as you hear:

yeah, pretty impatient

So this has been God's word for me lately.

PATIENCE FOR THE SEASON.

It rings so true to me but difficult.

I know that my baby will only be this tiny and small and needy for this short time in my life.

I honestly do want to keep the focus on her right now and really take all the time needed to recover, regain my strength and keep my focus where it should be.

As I have already written, I am aware that the fleshly part of me is not well, happy with how I look and feel currently. I have to be real about that. And also, I just FEEL so much better health wise when I am exercising regularly. It's HUGE. It really is. So, for that I cannot condemn myself for wanting...

but I need to be right now what does not come naturally to me.

Patient.

And I know I cannot do this on my own.

Help, Lord!

Old Woman In The Shoe Syndrome

"There was an Old Lady who lived in a Shoe..she had so many children she didn't know what to do..."

SO I'm here. My girls are at school, my son is in a nap and my 3 1/2 week old daughter sleeps peacefully next to me in her car seat as I write this.

Now...what to blog about? Really, there is so much I don't even know where to begin.

I could write about:

postpartum. A single word and yet..LOADED.

my varying emotions these days - one minute I'm so tired, lethargic and overwhelmed i could cry. Or scream. Or both. OR, the next minute I'm feeling so high on life, my new baby girl and my new role as mom of four I could jump for joy. Or cry. Or both.

(So you see my dilemma with that one.)

Or I could talk about my ..uh, dissatisfaction with the current digits on my bathroom scale.

And the looming reality that it's gonna take me awhile to get back into the swing of things (fitness wise).

And reality check! ~with each kid, LONGER.

Right now things are so busy around here I barely have time to pee, let alone even think about going to great heights with fitness goals right now.

And I'm impatient.

I want to get back in my skinny - no I take that back - skinniER clothes!

Being postpartum has always been hard on me. I know I'm not alone in that, however I am weird when it comes to this.

I have made the mental note to myself in past years that I actually feel cuter at 9 months pregnant then I do in the postpartum period.

I know, you'd think...but I told you I was weird.
Cause when you're hugely pregnant everybody knows you have a baby in there, expects you to be large and is always giving you compliments about how cute you are pregnant.

After baby comes, you heard it here, it's all over.

I kinda always feel this pressure...(and very perceived, not real I am sure of it), my OWN self-prescribed I'll go out on the limb and say, to lose the baby weight~ and the faster, the better.

I'm an athlete.

That's who I am.

My body lives to move, sweat, push itself and respond from the activity.

Postpartum I always feel like I'm in somewhat of an identity crisis.

I may not look like Homer Simpson anymore...

now I just feel like a puffy version of Marge, his old lady...minus her slammin' body (did you ever notice? ....all be it a little strange)...
~with a little splash of the Old Lady in the Shoe....yeah... that lady.

The one with all the kids.

Yeah, the kinda dumpy one still wearing maternity clothes, with bags under her eyes from no sleep, and the round puffy face...

ugh.

That's how I feel anyway.

Just keepin it real.

The few times I have gone out with the kids I get these looks like "WHOA, YOU GOT ALOT OF KIDS!".... or

"ARE ALL THOSE YOURS?"...

uh-huh.

Thus the identity crisis.

I am mommy.

Is there anybody else here?

So we've got the hormones. (It looks like we did do the postpartum talk). The maternity clothes we are all sick to death of. Body image issues (think: deflated balloon - I have always thought this was a perfectly illustrative analogy for after the delivery of baby), if you are breastfeeding feeling chained to your brand new beautiful baby (so breathtaking is she you could just cry as you watch her nurse like a barricuda - like I do.) And you are tired. So tired.

Oops. I just fell asleep....

Anyhoo, for some reason I am identifying today with The Old Woman in The Shoe. (Or is it Mother Goose?)

I LOVE being a mother. SO SO MUCH. But I also know that somewhere inside me (I'm searching but can't seem to find her these days), is a spunky, fun, youthful, fit, trim, intellectually stimulating, exciting girl that loves to shake it on the dance floor or loves to run a sweaty hefty block of mileage to horrendously LOUD music blaring in my ears. With no children or babes at my ankles..or breasts.

And today...I am missing that girl.

October Fun....

WHAT FUN!!!!

First Days At Home

Our very sleepy baby - her schedule is exactly as it was in the womb - pretty quiet in the day, but come 11pm, TIME TO WAKE UP AND HAVE A PARTY! Yeah, we're working on that.... *yawn*...
Gianna's first bath at home!

In her swing...she's only been in it a few times so far..not so sure if she's big on it yet...

Her big sisters love her so much already!

And so does mommy...(we spend lots of time on this couch lately..really...so much...she's on a very strict 2 hour nursing schedule -by her own making - and often every hour! So yeah, that's what I've been up to....I think I have left the house 3 or 4 times the whole time we've been home!)

She's two weeks old already! It seems to have gone by so fast and yet..it's all been a blur. These are the most exhausting days EVER. But we sure are enjoying her! :)

Have you heard the news?

It's a Girl!!!

Our little princess -

Gianna Grace

born 10/12/09 6:25 pm

9lbs. 4 oz, 20 1/2 in.

We are so in love!

Below is a pic of me right before the induction started..all smiles! It was a beautiful, early somewhat stormy October day. Here I'm one day shy of 41 weeks - I was SO ready...BRING ON THE PAIN!!!Daddy and his little girl! I KNEW this baby was big - (in my posts..did you notice all the "SO uncomfortable" rants?) People truly had no idea - I knew this baby was gonna be big I just had not a clue she'd be a NINE pounder (and I gained 28 lbs total!) Now, it all makes perfect sense....when I saw those numbers on the scale I seriously couldn't believe it!

NINE POUNDS, FOUR OUNCES...oh my gosh! SO healthy was she! :)

Gianna's first bath - I LOVE the first bath, always something I have loved..getting to see all your baby's new parts and the nurse handing them to you all clean and smelling good....

Dr. Malloy- she rocks. What a blessing to be told your baby is totally healthy and everything "looks good"! Thank you, Lord.

Our little chunk. I have to admit my bias on chunky babies. All of mine have been "chunky monkeys" (her the biggest!). Lovin the roly poly thighs!!

OK, a shout out to my AWESOME, INCREDIBLE nurse Emmy. I so stinkin' love labor and delivery nurses. I seriously get emotional when I think about all the ones I have had with my past births. Modesty completely flies out the window with birth. They see you - ALL of you- through every step. From the first contraction all the way to that first bloody walk to the bathroom after delivery (sorry if TMI - were all ladies here, right?), and also helping with breastfeeding...intimate stuff. How can we help but not get attached to these guys? Anyway, Emmy was my nurse ALL day and wanted desperately to see and be a part of my delivery before her shift ended at 7. She made it! I will never forget her! She was so sweet and calming and confident boosting. And here is the midwife Debra Goldstein who delivered Gianna. I absolutely loved her gentleness and professionalism. She made the delivery so smooth, calm and beautiful!

me and Emmy (below) ...and my beloved blood pressure cuff!!!

BUT LOOK! I had NO blood pressure issues with this delivery! FIRST TIME EVER! 117/72 baby! whoo-hoo! Usually this reads something like 160/110!!! Not this time......another thankyou, God!

Our first pic together with baby! We are SO tired...we stayed 2 1/2 days and I think I got a whopping 5 0r 6 hours total of sleep? Between the nursing, all the hustle and bustle of hurses all day and night, etc... uh, yeah, not alot and neither did Sam - he did all the diaper changing and helping with everything! (Here we are getting ready to go home)

Mckenna getting a good look at her new baby sister! She was SO happy it was a girl - she wanted to do hair!!

And now Sierra's turn....

Daddy and BIG brother.....Justice is not quite sure what to think (even still a week later as I write this)

The kids and their shirts!

Getting ready to go home..I am all smiles here but I really feel like I've been hit by a mac truck. Let the swelling begin! (I'm weird, my sweelling always starts AFTER delivery and I really balloon up for at least a week...)

I"M A MOM OF FOUR! And we're a family of SIX!

There are no words at how happy I am that all went well and with our blessed new daughter Gianna Grace. God blessed this birth and was with me. My cup is so full! And to think what I was blogging about this same time last year and same month (October) - such heartbreak...our miscarriage.

Look at what the Lord has done! That's all I can say...

Goin' home...let the journey of motherhood continue...and begin all at the same time!

I can't wait!

Love to you all.